UTE002 - Dual of Fate

This is the last test episode. The first real life wholly awesome episode will premiere soon. The topic will be "love" so look forward to that. For the time being, feel free to listen to this episode, and the last one too, why the heck not. This particular episode, Tulio and I discuss our aspirations and what brought us where we are today.

You can subscribe to this podcast via iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/.../356013802

or you can attempt to click this link:

http://unsolicitedtherapy.libsyn.com/rss

You can also get the episode directly from the host:

UTE002 - Dual of Fate

I should be able to spruce up this blog page this week or next so you can have a permanent subscribe button as well as a donate button and the logo, but for now I have much to do, enjoy the show!

UTE001 - A New Decade of Food

The premiere episode of "Unsolicited Therapy" has just been posted! The quality is a little rough, I admit, but the first time always is. The second episode has been recorded and I'm in the process of mixing it now. There are so many details I need to go through to make this as professional as possible, so bear with me!

You can subscribe to it via iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/.../356013802

or you can attempt to click this link:

http://unsolicitedtherapy.libsyn.com/rss

You can also get the episode directly from the host:

UTE001 - A New Decade of Food

There will be more ways to get it soon, but I haven't worked all that out yet. I also have made the first iteration of our logo:

Love

Instead of going on about what society says and how I think it is all ridiculous, I'll just say exactly what I think and let you make your own decision. I do not treat love as a spectrum. Many maintain there is a difference between (l)ove (loving family, friends, your job) and (L)ove (your significant other). I do not treat these two spellings any different, except to prevent an uncomfortable conversation. I want you to picture me going up to you and saying "I love you...". If you are a family member, you will probably react as normal, as in loving someone in my family isn't against the norm. If you were my girlfriend, you would probably react more positively, my love meaning something more to you than what you would consider my love for others. If you were a male friend, and you were not weirded out, you would "know" that I meant in a totally "platonic" way. If you were a female friend you would probably become defensive and wonder I was professing my love to you.

But with these separate types of people I love, do I love them any differently? The answer is a resounding: No! Love is a degree of invested caring, of which there is often a sort of co-dependence. Now you may be outraged that I love my friends and family the exact amount that I do my significant other (especially if you are her, haha). However I assure you, there is something more powerful at work here, which I will explain later.

When I think about loving someone or something, I think about the sacrifices I would make for that person or perhaps to be able to do something I love. I think about the way that person or thing makes me feel fulfilled, and gives me something to live for. I wonder what I would do without, and how depressing that would be. Love does not have to be two-sided either. Obviously my job isn't going to love me back. And I don't see why I can't have the capacity to love someone even if they don't love me back.

Now for the most controversial part of all this: significant others. I feel that we have taken the meaning of "love" and "commitment" and lumped it all together. Instead of coming up with a new word we just recycled the concept back into the word "love". Now this makes things very confusing so for some reason we signed off on the idea of "(L)ove" being this dual meaning, as in something more important than just regular "(l)ove". This works fine on literal paper, but talking about love has now become this tricky, somewhat taboo, concept. Maybe I'm insane or maybe I'm a revolutionary, I'm not the one to say. I just treat love for what it is, that raw emotion and that drive to do great things, untainted by attached meaning and between-the-lines. Quite frankly, if I talk to you on a regular basis, I probably love you, not matter male or female or status. However the way society is set up I cannot properly express those emotions.

So now there is only one loose end: that feeling you get when you fall in love. The butterflies, the giggling, the smile that never ends. That, dear reader, is romantic attraction. Love is of course a subset of that, Wikipedia uses the word "affection" to describe this state of mind, but that doesn't give it enough justice. The physiological response is too great to be ignored or lumped into the word "love". Doing some research on different cultural words for this feeling come up short. I don't think we have the capacity to really describe the overwhelming sense of "falling in love", albeit the word "falling" sure does help get the point across.

Hopefully you think I have done the word "love" justice in this post. Love today is used to mean a full spectrum of emotions, even when the definition probably doesn't fit or could use some qualifiers. I am apt to go against the norm and just use the word somewhat liberally. However, when I am holding your hand and looking int your eyes and I say "I love you" and you see a single tear rolling down my cheek you know I don't mean "love" but really mean "have an overwhelming attraction to you physically, emotionally, and mentally of which there are no words to decribe the way I feel when I'm with you". After that sentence, maybe I'm starting to understand why people just use the word "love" after all, hah.

love, Justin

The Epiphany

As some of you found out last night, I had quite the intense epiphany after I wrote my last blog post. I sort of discovered that I have been taking human connection for granted. That I've come in contact with so many people that have touched my life. And yet if they didn't actively contribute to my life at all, they would eventually fade away, of no fault of their own. I didn't appreciate what those connections did to my life and how they shaped me. Even my friends were sort of falling off the map. So now I'm on a sort of quest to find all those people I've let fall away and re-connect with them.

I am also on a quest to meet new people and not be so shallow about who I interact with. So many people have so much to offer and I really lost track of that. So now I won't refuse any offer to meet anyone new or at least talk to anyone that wants to talk to me for who knows what reason, haha.

But I digress.

I have also hurt people in the process of my selfishness, and that I can assure you won't happen again. Now it is time to reconnect to my past. Not for the sake of holding onto the past, but to forge ahead into a new future with those I really do care about.

If you think you might be someone I have lost touch with, please feel free to get back in touch with me, I have a lot of work to do reconnecting, so feel free to give me a boost! Anyways, I'll post more on this later as I progress through this new way of life. I'm looking forward to what this will bring.

The Balance of Connection

It will come as no shock to any of you that I strive for attention. I often ponder why this is the case. I've written two memoirs and neither of them really give any sort clue. Funny enough, the mere fact that I have written, not one, but two memoirs further proves how much I need attention. I have this blog, I have a twitter, I (used to) participate in online forums, I play an MMORPG, I'm trying to get the nerve to start a podcast. All of these simply lead to one thing: Human Interaction (tm).

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

Sometimes, my actions lead to perfectly normal, perfectly healthy relationships with people or at the very least provides me a sense of satisfaction, not that I am personally getting attention, but that my attention is even wanted in the first place, and that through that interaction, the other party benefits. I am a healer by nature, after all.

Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view

There comes a point where this can lead to obsession, and insanity. It is exactly like an addiction. All of a sudden I am desperate, almost needy, and I need some sort of self satisfaction. This manifests itself in two ways. Those who know me well will note, at this point, my fondness of self-deprecating humor. I make a joke, I get a laugh, that equals attention, I am happy. But it isn't without a certain drain of energy (not to mention self-dignity) that I accomplish this goal. The other mode of this affliction arises from the constant need for virtual interaction in place of true Human Interaction (tm). And the desperate searching for any sort of recognition of my online accomplishments. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. I need to see of someone messaged me on OKCupid, if someone visited my page, if someone read my blog, if someone replied to my post, if someone wrote on my wall. It is a terrible need for any sort of connection.

You are / The only
The only thing I need

And with that I have recognized my fault. So what now? Should I stop you all from replying? should you just up and ignore me? Of course not. This isn't about you, this is about me. Go on and do what is natural. It is my task to better myself in this manner, and take control over my obsession. I know the outward incidences of this addiction will be easily repressed, but I also know the mental change will be hard to come by. However, I cannot stop, I don't want this inner desire to control me anymore. I want to be free. And free I shall become.

Hello, here I am / And here we go
Life's waiting to begin

Here and Gone Again

It is overwhelming to think just how many people have entered my life, only to leave it again. While sometimes the circumstances are obvious and unavoidable (moving away, etc), sometimes it is a shame how things turn out. There are those who have briefly touched my life. There are high school classmates that I didn't really get along with, people I've met visiting other places for a short time, and friends of friends who I only met once. To think that most of these people you never really care to see again is saddening enough, but to realize there are those you wish you had kept around is even more troubling.

I keep only a handful of friends around that I trust unconditionally. Yet most other people I am easy to get along with, and do authentically enjoy being around. So it always leaves my heart a little sad to see someone go. "Oh but what about facebook!" Ahh yes of course. I was done with facebook a long time ago. It just isn't for me. I don't need application spam and friend requests from people I've never met. I don't want to see your drunk Halloween pictures. What ever happened to the old fashioned way of connecting to people? I suppose these days it's facebook or bust. Which leaves me with bust.

There are of course people I was friends with through other people. Friends by proxy, and friends of circumstance. And when those loose ties are broken it is game over. So many people I've met that I would love to still be friends with vanish as soon as there is a break-up, or college is over, or have totally left their previous life behind to move forward, or to rewind into the old comfortable past.

It's probably for the better. At least this way there are no false hopes, no "It's either him or me", and no drama. I can't help but feel there is a slight emptiness this all leaves. I guess the only thing to do is to push forward; focus on myself for a while. Time to go out, meet new people, and develop new relationships. There is probably nothing for me looking behind, but if I look forward, who knows where life will take me.

Rejuvenation

No, not the World of Warcraft spell; I'm talking about letting everything go: all the drama, the masks I wear, the attitudes, and everything that is not who I am. I know you've probably heard this all before, but this time it is different (and I'm sure you've heard that before too).

When it comes to change, I like to use the onion/layers analogy, which I won't bore you with. The gist is that you start out as a core person, built off values taught and values learned and personal experiences. After a certain age, your core doesn't change all that much (usually changes are offset by traumatic experiences or other total life changing incidents). Over the years you pile on useless layers often caused by drama, peer pressure, habit, and ignorance.

Peeling off these layers can be a lot of work. Or, you can do what I'm doing, and get a haircut. Lose all the extra layers, take some time and do things for you and only you. Do what you want, not what everyone else wants you to do. Don't want to go golfing with everyone from work? Don't! (I actually look forward to it as it's trying something new). Want to do some watercolor? What's your excuse? "I don't have enough time" Oh please, I've been using that excuse for years. Get away from the TV, throw some laundry in, sweep the floor (it takes like 2 minutes if you stop whining and just do it) and then go outside and go on a nature hike, or do whatever it is that compels you. Sunrise occurs too early? Set your alarm and wake up with a mission, you'll be surprised how easy it is to get up early when something spectacular is waiting. So that's what I'm doing. I'm being more responsible, not being lazy, and if I'm compelled to do something, I go and do it.

The other part of my rejuvenation is to get rid of all my online personalities, all my pseudonyms, all my masks, and just be me. Do I know who i am yet? not really. But I know I'm going to find out, and I'll let you know how all that goes.