The Epiphany

As some of you found out last night, I had quite the intense epiphany after I wrote my last blog post. I sort of discovered that I have been taking human connection for granted. That I've come in contact with so many people that have touched my life. And yet if they didn't actively contribute to my life at all, they would eventually fade away, of no fault of their own. I didn't appreciate what those connections did to my life and how they shaped me. Even my friends were sort of falling off the map. So now I'm on a sort of quest to find all those people I've let fall away and re-connect with them.

I am also on a quest to meet new people and not be so shallow about who I interact with. So many people have so much to offer and I really lost track of that. So now I won't refuse any offer to meet anyone new or at least talk to anyone that wants to talk to me for who knows what reason, haha.

But I digress.

I have also hurt people in the process of my selfishness, and that I can assure you won't happen again. Now it is time to reconnect to my past. Not for the sake of holding onto the past, but to forge ahead into a new future with those I really do care about.

If you think you might be someone I have lost touch with, please feel free to get back in touch with me, I have a lot of work to do reconnecting, so feel free to give me a boost! Anyways, I'll post more on this later as I progress through this new way of life. I'm looking forward to what this will bring.

The Balance of Connection

It will come as no shock to any of you that I strive for attention. I often ponder why this is the case. I've written two memoirs and neither of them really give any sort clue. Funny enough, the mere fact that I have written, not one, but two memoirs further proves how much I need attention. I have this blog, I have a twitter, I (used to) participate in online forums, I play an MMORPG, I'm trying to get the nerve to start a podcast. All of these simply lead to one thing: Human Interaction (tm).

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

Sometimes, my actions lead to perfectly normal, perfectly healthy relationships with people or at the very least provides me a sense of satisfaction, not that I am personally getting attention, but that my attention is even wanted in the first place, and that through that interaction, the other party benefits. I am a healer by nature, after all.

Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view

There comes a point where this can lead to obsession, and insanity. It is exactly like an addiction. All of a sudden I am desperate, almost needy, and I need some sort of self satisfaction. This manifests itself in two ways. Those who know me well will note, at this point, my fondness of self-deprecating humor. I make a joke, I get a laugh, that equals attention, I am happy. But it isn't without a certain drain of energy (not to mention self-dignity) that I accomplish this goal. The other mode of this affliction arises from the constant need for virtual interaction in place of true Human Interaction (tm). And the desperate searching for any sort of recognition of my online accomplishments. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. I need to see of someone messaged me on OKCupid, if someone visited my page, if someone read my blog, if someone replied to my post, if someone wrote on my wall. It is a terrible need for any sort of connection.

You are / The only
The only thing I need

And with that I have recognized my fault. So what now? Should I stop you all from replying? should you just up and ignore me? Of course not. This isn't about you, this is about me. Go on and do what is natural. It is my task to better myself in this manner, and take control over my obsession. I know the outward incidences of this addiction will be easily repressed, but I also know the mental change will be hard to come by. However, I cannot stop, I don't want this inner desire to control me anymore. I want to be free. And free I shall become.

Hello, here I am / And here we go
Life's waiting to begin

Here and Gone Again

It is overwhelming to think just how many people have entered my life, only to leave it again. While sometimes the circumstances are obvious and unavoidable (moving away, etc), sometimes it is a shame how things turn out. There are those who have briefly touched my life. There are high school classmates that I didn't really get along with, people I've met visiting other places for a short time, and friends of friends who I only met once. To think that most of these people you never really care to see again is saddening enough, but to realize there are those you wish you had kept around is even more troubling.

I keep only a handful of friends around that I trust unconditionally. Yet most other people I am easy to get along with, and do authentically enjoy being around. So it always leaves my heart a little sad to see someone go. "Oh but what about facebook!" Ahh yes of course. I was done with facebook a long time ago. It just isn't for me. I don't need application spam and friend requests from people I've never met. I don't want to see your drunk Halloween pictures. What ever happened to the old fashioned way of connecting to people? I suppose these days it's facebook or bust. Which leaves me with bust.

There are of course people I was friends with through other people. Friends by proxy, and friends of circumstance. And when those loose ties are broken it is game over. So many people I've met that I would love to still be friends with vanish as soon as there is a break-up, or college is over, or have totally left their previous life behind to move forward, or to rewind into the old comfortable past.

It's probably for the better. At least this way there are no false hopes, no "It's either him or me", and no drama. I can't help but feel there is a slight emptiness this all leaves. I guess the only thing to do is to push forward; focus on myself for a while. Time to go out, meet new people, and develop new relationships. There is probably nothing for me looking behind, but if I look forward, who knows where life will take me.

Rejuvenation

No, not the World of Warcraft spell; I'm talking about letting everything go: all the drama, the masks I wear, the attitudes, and everything that is not who I am. I know you've probably heard this all before, but this time it is different (and I'm sure you've heard that before too).

When it comes to change, I like to use the onion/layers analogy, which I won't bore you with. The gist is that you start out as a core person, built off values taught and values learned and personal experiences. After a certain age, your core doesn't change all that much (usually changes are offset by traumatic experiences or other total life changing incidents). Over the years you pile on useless layers often caused by drama, peer pressure, habit, and ignorance.

Peeling off these layers can be a lot of work. Or, you can do what I'm doing, and get a haircut. Lose all the extra layers, take some time and do things for you and only you. Do what you want, not what everyone else wants you to do. Don't want to go golfing with everyone from work? Don't! (I actually look forward to it as it's trying something new). Want to do some watercolor? What's your excuse? "I don't have enough time" Oh please, I've been using that excuse for years. Get away from the TV, throw some laundry in, sweep the floor (it takes like 2 minutes if you stop whining and just do it) and then go outside and go on a nature hike, or do whatever it is that compels you. Sunrise occurs too early? Set your alarm and wake up with a mission, you'll be surprised how easy it is to get up early when something spectacular is waiting. So that's what I'm doing. I'm being more responsible, not being lazy, and if I'm compelled to do something, I go and do it.

The other part of my rejuvenation is to get rid of all my online personalities, all my pseudonyms, all my masks, and just be me. Do I know who i am yet? not really. But I know I'm going to find out, and I'll let you know how all that goes.