Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Balance of Connection

It will come as no shock to any of you that I strive for attention. I often ponder why this is the case. I've written two memoirs and neither of them really give any sort clue. Funny enough, the mere fact that I have written, not one, but two memoirs further proves how much I need attention. I have this blog, I have a twitter, I (used to) participate in online forums, I play an MMORPG, I'm trying to get the nerve to start a podcast. All of these simply lead to one thing: Human Interaction (tm).

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

Sometimes, my actions lead to perfectly normal, perfectly healthy relationships with people or at the very least provides me a sense of satisfaction, not that I am personally getting attention, but that my attention is even wanted in the first place, and that through that interaction, the other party benefits. I am a healer by nature, after all.

Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view

There comes a point where this can lead to obsession, and insanity. It is exactly like an addiction. All of a sudden I am desperate, almost needy, and I need some sort of self satisfaction. This manifests itself in two ways. Those who know me well will note, at this point, my fondness of self-deprecating humor. I make a joke, I get a laugh, that equals attention, I am happy. But it isn't without a certain drain of energy (not to mention self-dignity) that I accomplish this goal. The other mode of this affliction arises from the constant need for virtual interaction in place of true Human Interaction (tm). And the desperate searching for any sort of recognition of my online accomplishments. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. I need to see of someone messaged me on OKCupid, if someone visited my page, if someone read my blog, if someone replied to my post, if someone wrote on my wall. It is a terrible need for any sort of connection.

You are / The only
The only thing I need

And with that I have recognized my fault. So what now? Should I stop you all from replying? should you just up and ignore me? Of course not. This isn't about you, this is about me. Go on and do what is natural. It is my task to better myself in this manner, and take control over my obsession. I know the outward incidences of this addiction will be easily repressed, but I also know the mental change will be hard to come by. However, I cannot stop, I don't want this inner desire to control me anymore. I want to be free. And free I shall become.

Hello, here I am / And here we go
Life's waiting to begin

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